Category: Tools

This week’s tool is one I teach to my guys in jail. It is a very powerful tool and you don’t have to understand how it works to see results. Just follow the steps.

Often the emotions we feel seem to come out of nowhere, but that is not really how it happens. In the split second before we feel the emotions there is always a thought. This tool will teach you how to find that thought and how that knowledge is then a powerful aid to changing how much emotion shows up.

The examples below deal with anger, but the tool can be used for any negative emotion we are working on changing.

Every situation seems to be made up of three parts:

• Stimulus: We see something happening or someone doing something.
• Response: We respond to it.
• Outcome: There is an outcome to our actions.

Here are a few simple reactions:

• The phone rings.
• We answer it.
• We have a conversation.

• A car is driving down the road.
• We move out of the way.
• We are safe.

• A friend is waving at us from across the room.
• We see them but return to our work.
• They feel frustrated because we didn’t wave back.

In reality there is another step that happens so quickly that we don’t even realize it. In the split second between the stimulus and the response there is a thought. Most of the time it happens so quickly that we don’t realize it is there. Look at our three examples with the thought added.

• The phone rings.
• Thought: Someone is calling me.
• We answer it.
• We have a conversation.

• A car is driving down the road.
• Thought: I am in danger.
• We move out of the way.
• We are safe.

• A friend is waving at us from across the room.
• Thought: I really don’t have time to deal with him right now!
• We see them but return to our work.
• They feel frustrated because we didn’t wave back.

In the three examples above it is easy to recognize what the thought is between the stimulus and action but, as you will see, that is not always the case.

There is a specific reason for why it is important for us to figure out what the thought is between the stimulus and the action. When we spend time looking back at past events to figure out what the thought was, we literally rewire our brain by creating a new connection between the conscious mind and the unconscious mind. The more often we do this the stronger this new path between the conscious and unconscious mind will become.

The new path we create is very useful because it slows down our responses. Those thoughts that happen so quickly that we aren’t conscious of them taking place now happen in such a way that we are aware that we have a choice so that our emotional response is no longer unconscious.

In many cases this might not feel like that big of a deal. When the phone rings, it doesn’t matter whether or not I give it much thought before I answer it. But when it comes to emotional responses this is extremely significant.

This is what we talked about at the beginning. One moment we are fine and the next moment we are throwing punches.

This might not mean making best choice right away, but when it comes to emotional responses a split second can make all the difference. For example, something makes me really mad and I can feel my rage growing. Because I have spent time working on what the thoughts are before my actions, I am able to have that split second to understand what is really going on. As the anger grows inside me and I feel like I need to hit the person in front of me I can see that that is a very bad choice and I am able to redirect my anger and hit the wall instead.

Hitting the wall isn’t a good choice. It is painful. It could cause permanent damage. It could destroy part of the wall. BUT when I hit a wall I won’t be arrested for assault.

So while hitting the wall isn’t a great choice, it is so much better than hitting a person.

When we slow down our responses by a split second we move from:

• Saying something really stupid and mean to just hanging up the phone.
• Tailgating the guy who just cut us off to just screaming a few curse words.
• Assuming the reason my friends showed up late is because they don’t think I am worth a phone call to recognizing that there are lots of reasons they might be late.

That split second becomes a powerful tool. When we are able to move away from a purely emotional reaction will make a huge difference in the responses we make.

A_B what is C?
Using this to create the new paths in our brain is straightforward.

1) Choose an emotion you would like to work on.
I have found it most useful to work on a number of past events for one specific emotion. This will help us to identify patterns in our behavior. You can come back to do the process as many times as you like for as many emotions as you like.

Common emotions to use in this process:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Frustration
• Jealousy

2) Come up with a list of instances when you felt the emotion.
For this example we going to use anger. You list might look like this:

• A: My boss didn’t return my call.
• B:
• C:

• A: My sister took my car without asking.
• B:
• C:

• A: The dog puked in the living room last night and my roommate who was home did nothing about it.
• B:
• C:

• A: My girlfriend called me lazy.
• B:
• C:

3) Add your response to each moment:

• A: My boss didn’t return my call.
• B:
• C: I sent him a nasty email telling him how mad I was.

• A: My sister took my car without asking.
• B:
• C: I called her and cussed her out.

• A: The dog puked in the living room last night and my roommate who was home did nothing about it.
• B:
• C: I scooped up the puke and put it in my roommate’s bed.

• A: My girlfriend called me lazy.
• B:
• C: I threw the TV remote control at her.

4) Add the thought that took place between A and C:
This is the step that will take the most time and thought. In some cases it will not be immediately obvious what the thought was before you made your response. You are trying to figure out the logic behind the emotion, which can be hard but the more you do this, the better you will become at it.

• A: My boss didn’t return my call.
• B: He doesn’t care about me or value the work I do.
• C: I sent him a nasty email telling him how mad I was.

• A: My sister took my car without asking.
• B: My sister thinks I am only here to meet her needs.
• C: I called her and cussed her out.

• A: The dog puked in the living room last night and my roommate who was home did nothing about it.
• B: My roommate is the laziest person I know and he thinks I am his personal maid.
• C: I scooped up the puke and put it in my roommate’s bed.

• A: My girlfriend called me lazy.
• B: My girlfriend thinks the world revolves around her and my job as a boyfriend is to serve her when she snaps her fingers.
• C: I threw the TV remote control at her.

Important note: Sometimes people have trouble doing this process because after the fact we are able to see clearly that the thoughts we had in the moment aren’t true. For example, there is a part of me that is responding emotionally to fact that my boss didn’t call me back. My emotions might think that he isn’t calling me back because because he doesn’t like me but in reality his mobile phone battery might be dead or he has switched it off while he is in a meeting.

Now that you have an idea of what we are talking about I want you to work through the steps above with the emotion of anger. Think of five times recently when you experienced anger and work them all the way to the end.

Side Note On Outcome AKA What Happened To D?
When we started there were four parts to each moment: Stimulus, Thought, Response, and Outcome. You will notice that in the exercise above I didn’t spend any time talking about the outcome of our choices. The outcomes of our choices are important, but we need to be careful when using the outcomes as the main factor we look at to see if we made a good choice. There are times where we can make the best choice and get a bad outcome and other times when we can make the worst possible choice and get a great outcome.

One of the guys from my class served as a perfect example of this. His pattern was to go out with his boys on Friday nights after work, drink too much, and end up in a fight. This would happen for a number weekends in a row. Because he was so big he normally didn’t get hurt too badly. One weekend everything changed because there happened to be a group of off-duty police officers in the bar when he started his usual fight. He was arrested for second degree assault.

Up until his arrest he didn’t think his drinking and fighting were a big deal because the outcome had always been fine.

Just because we are getting the outcomes we desire it doesn’t mean that we are making the best choices. As you look back at past events it is good to learn from the outcomes of our choices, but it shouldn’t be the only thing we look at when trying to measure success.

Last week’s tool had us looking at what we would want to eliminate from our lives.

This week we are taking a different approach. This week we are going to reflect on the things that seem to be going badly, but might actually be for the best.

There have been many times in my own life where things have not gone as planned. Some of these times have been full on disasters. When I was in the midst or right after these things happened I was devastated. Many times it felt like I had wasted time, energy, emotion and money only to have nothing to show for it.

Time went by. I lived through it. I started to feel better.

Then as time passed something strange happened: that thing that I had thought was the end of the world turned out to be the best possible outcome. I felt thankful for the ‘disaster.’

What would happen if we were already able to see that when the disaster was happening? I believe there would two outcomes. First, we wouldn’t feel so bad about what had gone wrong because we knew it was leading to something better. Second, we would work harder to take advantage of the opportunity because we could see the positive coming.

Even if we can’t see the future there is a way we can take advantage of this point of view.

This week when something isn’t going the way you would like ask yourself the question:

“What would have to happen so that one year from now I would say this thing that is going wrong is the best thing that ever happened to me?”

You mind will start to work and you will start to see the ways you can use this moment where things aren’t going right to your advantage.

I have personally used this question many times to move from a very frustrated funk to a highly productive period where I was able to make a lot of progress.

I would love to hear the ways you see this leading to better.

This might be the simplest tool I will share with you in this entire process. Please don’t underestimate its power because of its simplicity.

Take a deep breath.

Pay attention to the first thing that comes to mind after you read this statement:

My life would be much better if this person had never been in my life: _________________.

Your life will radically change when you heal the emotions you have around that relationship.

Now that you know which relationship needs the work, reach back in the tool library on this site to start to clean it up.

One of my favorite types of work is to have “conversations” with the younger parts of myself. What I mean by this is I pretend that I am having a conversation with me at a younger age, like age 6 for example.

When I do this I am able to bring all the wisdom, experience, and resources that the adult me has to the past.

Here is a simple process you can follow.

Step 1: Choose the age you would like to work with, imagine seeing yourself at that age, and start tapping.

Step 2: Tell the younger you that they are loved, cared for, safe, and that they will not be judged. Don’t rush this step. If you want to do each of those four things one at a time, that would be perfect. Pay attention to how your younger self responds.

Step 3: Tell your younger self that they are allowed to think, feel, and believe anything they want. They are also allowed to not know what they should or what to think, feel, or believe. Again, take your time and pay attention to how they respond.

Step 4: Ask the younger you what they are worried about and what they need. They may need nothing, but if they have a need, listen attentively. Ask lots of clarifying questions to understand their concerns fully and let them know that they are heard.

Step 5: Provide the younger you with all the relevant information in response to their needs and concerns. Imagine that you are talking to someone of this age in real life. If a child of this age brought you these concerns, what would you say and what misperceptions would you correct? Simply share this information.

Step 6: Repeat steps 4 and 5 as many times as you would like or are needed to make the younger you feel safe and healthy.

Step 7: Remind the younger you once more that they are loved, cared for, and always connected to the adult you. If they need anything they only need to ask.

This powerful tool is that simple.

It is such a powerful tool that I would like you to use it over the next two weeks. Every day choose an age from infant to 18. You don’t have to do them in order and you don’t have to do all 18 years, but if you do this one year for each day it will be transformative.

Carrying an emotional burden for someone else is a very high act of love, but it can have consequences for our own emotions and health.

Often we pick up struggles, issues, and burdens for which we can’t take responsibility.

It is wonderful that we want a loved one to overcome their low self esteem, but when we pick up that burden for them it causes two problems. First, it doesn’t help them and second, it makes things harder for us.

Sometimes we consciously or subconsciously pick up these burdens for others. Other times it happens in a completely unconscious way. There are burdens we pick up when we are so young that we don’t even remember them.

When we are able to release these burdens we free ourselves and provide an opportunity for healing to others.

I like to do this type of healing in two ways and it is something that you can easily add to the end of your tapping sessions.

First, after tapping for an issue I will add the following script.

It is a great service to pick up someone else’s burden…It is a very high act of love…It is saying that I want better for them…I want them to heal…I want them to know freedom…But when I pick up a burden for someone else I make it harder for me…And often I am not providing them with true relief…Because I have taken responsibility for something that I can’t heal…When I release something that I have picked up for someone else…I am not giving the burden back to them…I am letting it go…I am giving myself freedom…And I am giving them freedom…I have consciously, subconsciously, and unconsciously picked up burdens for others my whole life…I give myself permission to let go any and all of the burdens that I am still holding…To provide healing for myself…And everyone else

Second, after completing this script I imagine myself standing at the top of my family tree and I imagine the healing I have just received in the tapping session passing back through the past, from generation to generation. As the healing goes back in time it keeps providing more and more healing.

This doesn’t have to take more than 60 seconds, but it is very powerful.

I would love to hear how you experience this second part in the comments below.

The way (in vastly oversimplified terms) the subconscious works is like this:

• Information is taken into the brain through the senses.
• The subconscious brings forward all the information related to the information.
• We use this information to inform our choices in the moment.

Most of the time this process happens in a straightforward way.

• I see my friend. My subconscious tells me how much I love them. I greet them with a big hug.
• I see a car speeding towards me. My subconscious lets me know that 1800lbs of metal hitting me at full speed is dangerous. I jump out of the way.

This process also happens in not so subtle ways. I smell fresh bread and I think of my grandfather. I hear “The New Kids On The Block” and I think of being 13.

There are times when this happens in such a subtle way that we are not able to connect the dots at all. All of a sudden we feel stressed or sad. Something in our environment reminds us of something painful from the past, but we don’t consciously know what that memory or association is.

There is a simple way to tap for this without having to know what the subconscious is tuning into, and if we tap for it when we sit down to work we can ensure we are fully present to what we are doing.

This week I want you to use a simple process each time you sit down to tap that will clear any unknown emotional charge you have for the environment in which you are working. It won’t take more than 5 minutes and it will make you much more productive.

1) Sit down where you are going to work and take 3 deep breaths to get settled and focused.
2) Slowly look around you and scan your environment. Look at your work surface, the walls, the floor, and the whole room. Don’t rush. Don’t try to think of anything in particular. Just observe the space.
3) Take a deep breath, pay attention to any emotions that you are feeling. You don’t need to focus on investigating why they are there, or what they are about. Simply name the emotion and name what it feels like in your body.
4) Scan the room again. If any new emotions show up or the old emotions intensify repeat step 3.

It is really that simple and it will make a huge difference.

I have found that when I am calm and in the moment it is much easier for me to make good, thoughtful choices.

When I am stressed it is just the opposite. When stressed I fall back into old habits, I am more rushed, and I don’t make the choices that I need to make to do what I want to achieve.

Other than tapping, the most useful tool I have found to keep me calm and in the moment is a Qi-Gong breathing exercise called “Tree Breathing”.

You don’t need to duplicate this tool exactly for it to be useful. I will explain how I use the technique and then I will explain the key parts so you can duplicate it in a way that works best for you.

How I Do It
I stand in front of a tree in a comfortable stance. The exercise is made up of a total of 10 breaths, done in two sets of 5.

For the first 5 breaths I imagine that energy is moving in a circle out of the top of the tree and into crown of my head, passing through my body, leaving via my feet, entering the tree through its roots, and then moving up into the trunk.

While I am doing this I take a long, slow inhale through my nose and imagine the energy coming out the the top of the tree and into the crown of my head. Then, while I exhale slowly, I imagine the energy moving from the soles of my feet into the roots of the tree.

For each of the 5 breaths I imagine the energy moving in a full circle.

For the next 5 breaths I do the exact same thing, but this time I imagine the energy moving in the opposite direction. On the inhale I imagine energy leaving the roots of the trees and entering my body from the soles of my feet. On the exhale I imagine the it going out of the crown of my head and back into the top of the tree.

Again, this is done 5 times.

When and Where I Do It
I do this exercise regularly. And what I mean by regularly is I have chosen one particular tree in my neighborhood and every time I walk by this tree I do the exercise. Because I live in the city and mostly move around on foot, I walk by this tree between 3 and 5 times a day.

Every time I pass the tree, regardless how much of a rush I am in, I make myself stop to do the 10 breaths. It takes a little more than one minute…

…AND IT IS AWESOME!

It has made a huge difference on many days.

How You Can Use This
Before I share how you add something like this to your life I want to make one quick point. To be honest, I have no idea if when doing this I am moving any energy or if I am getting anything in particular from the tree in the exercise. For me, it is much more about slowing down, paying attention to my breath, and letting go of everything else.

With that being said, here are the key points for how you can add this to your day:

1) Do something that will get you out of your head and into your body
You don’t have to do 10 breaths, but I would recommend it. Also, by imagining the energy moving in a circle it forces me to pay attention to the process. If I was just taking long, deep breaths it would be much easier for my mind to wander.

2) Punctuate your day with it
I like the fact it is not something that I have on my schedule. It interrupts whatever I am doing. I am much more likely to need to be grounded in the middle of my day at some random time. Pick a place that you pass through regularly as the moment that prompts you to do it.

3) Make it a non-negotiable
Part of the reason it works so well is that I make myself do it no matter what. It is now a habit which makes it little effort. Until it reaches that point it was something I had to do. The times I was most resistant to doing it were the times I needed it the most.

You don’t have to customise the process too much. You could even duplicate my process exactly. Just choose a way that will work for you.

Let me know in the comments what you are trying and how you tweaked it.

When I am working with clients I have them tune into the emotion they want to work on and then ask them to tell me where in their body they feel that emotion.

75% of the time the emotions are located in one of three places. In the stomach, the solar plexus, or the throat.

Typically when emotion anchors in the stomach it is about fear, when in it is solar plexus it is about self esteem, and when it is in the throat is about speaking truth, hearing truth, or both.

We will go after each of these one at a time. This week we are starting with the throat.

This process won’t take a lot of time, but it is important that you give it your undivided attention. I strongly encourage you to get out a piece of paper and write out your answers. This will do two things. First, it will give you greater clarity by writing it out. Second, you might come up with more things to tap for than you have time for right now.

Part 1 – Answer the following questions:

1) What truth about yourself are you afraid to hear?

2) What truth about your future are you afraid to hear?

3) What truth are you afraid to say to yourself?

4) What truth are you afraid to say to someone else?

Part 2 – For each of the answers above complete the following sentences (meaning you will complete these two sentences for each answer):

1) The worst thing that will happen if I speak this truth is…

2) The best thing that will happen if I speak this truth is…

Part 3 – Read your answers out loud and tap

Warning: This is a powerful tool and which will allow you to clear some major issues. There is a part of you that already knows this and that part is trying to talk you out of using this tool. Your inner voice is saying, “I don’t need this….I don’t have time for this….There is nothing left unsaid.”

Thank your inner voice for trying to keep you safe from something that is scary AND then do the exercise.

This is one of the best things you will do for yourself!!

Instead of reminding you to tap for your goal list this week, this week’s tool includes your goal list.

I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “We need to take a step back and look at it.”

The idea being that when we step back we are able to see the big picture and how all the parts fit together. This makes perfect sense when we are talking about something in physical space like setting up the stage for a speaking event or working on the flowers in front of our house. We have our head down working on one part and then step back to look at the whole.

Did you know that taking a physical step back when thinking about something helps to give you a new perspective? It is easy to see the big picture and new paths to success.

This week I would like you to sit down and read through your goal list. Don’t rush. Take your time to read each goal. Don’t worry if you feel that your goals are incomplete.

After you have done that, stand up and take a step back. If your goals are on a sheet of paper, leave them on the table, and if they are on your computer just leave them up on the screen. Once you are standing I want you to look at your goals, not reading them, but just looking at them and start to tap. Move from tapping point to tapping point.

As you do this don’t be surprised if you come up with new insights about what your goals should be, or what you can do right now to start moving toward them.

Please let me know how you experience this process below in the comments.

[Remember to tap at least once with your goal list this week. If you need help on how to do that check out tapping with goals instruction.]

This week’s tool in some ways rhymes with the Music @ 13 tool because we are going to use things that remind us of the past to tune into emotion.

This week I would like you to spend a little time each day tapping with photos. To do this all you need to do is look at photos of yourself at different points in your life and tap.

For this exercise it is really important to linger and spend time with each photo. I don’t want it to be like flicking through a photo album online where you are quickly flipping past each picture.

Find a photo of yourself, look at it carefully and start tapping. What were you thinking about at that time? What were you feeling? What were your hopes? What were your biggest fears?

When you do this, choose many different points in your life and include a recent photo.

This type of tapping can feel a little cheesy and maybe even a bit uncomfortable. Challenge yourself and give it a try.

Note: If you would like to take this tool to the next level you can also tap while looking photos of loved ones like parents, siblings, partners, and your children.