In my own life, I have found that guilt and shame are the most debilitating emotions. On some level it might really be just an issue of semantics when using the two words to describe different degrees of how we feel.
Today I am going to share with you a 4-step tool to help you to deconstruct guilt, which is such a debilitating emotion, and replace it with something more helpful.
Like many of the tools that I have shared with you, I encourage you to take the time to write out your answers to these steps. Writing them out will help you to gain clarity on the issue at hand AND it will provide you a great tapping script once you have finished.
1) What am I guilty of?
All you need to do is describe in detail how you experience feeling guilty. Include the emotions you feel, the thoughts you have, and the physical sensations you experience.
Complete the following:
I feel guilty when…
When I feel this guilt I think…
When I feel this guilt in my body I feel…
When I feel this guilt I experience…
2) What standard isn’t being met?
When we feel guilty it is because we are not living up to a perceived standard. In other words we are letting someone, ourselves, or an expectation down. Many times when we feel guilty we are feeling bad about a standard that isn’t real, but simply one we are perceiving.
Complete the following:
I feel guilty because I am not living up to…
The perceived consequences for not living up to this standard are…
3) What are the real consequences?
Just because we perceive that something feels like a consequence doesn’t mean that it is a real consequence. For example, I might feel guilty for not calling a friend and the perceived consequence is that she is will feel abandoned. At least that is the story my guilt is telling me. But when I step back, the real consequence could be something completely different. Or there could be no real consequence at all. That friend may have been busy and not even noticed that I didn’t make the call.
Complete the following:
The real consequence if my actions is…
4) What is the new standard to which you want to hold yourself?
Most of the time when I feel guilty it is because I am not living up to a standard that has been imposed on me by an external force. For example, “I have to spend every Sunday afternoon with my family because that is the family tradition.” Even when it is a self-imposed standard it isn’t always helpful, or it was helpful at one point but isn’t helpful any longer.
It is time to name the new standard you would like in your life. This doesn’t mean that we at choice to no longer take responsibility for our actions, but instead to create something that makes more sense for who we are.
In the example of spending time with our family, the new standard could be, “I am going to make sure I stay connected to my family and that they know I love them.” This standard has nothing to do with a specific family gathering, but is more about how I act in the world which gives me the flexibility to meet the needs of my own life.
Complete the following:
The new standard I would like to live up to is…
Tap On It!
Now go back and tap through everything you have written. It will create more space, take away guilt, and help you to make healthier choices moment to moment.
Solid Gold as usual Gene.
Thank you.
Kevin Hunneybell
Tapping Addicts